Many times...Over

Maaf karo, aage badho!

2011-12-29T18:44:00.003+05:30

Pak gaya

Thak gaya

Tu jo bhi bola

... mere sar mein atak gaya!

Ever wondered why, every soul around you is interested in passing on some of their 'royal' flaws on to you. One such bit, is the urge to advise... or even take advise.

Come on, accept it - there are only some very, very few people who have this skill and right to be entertained. Contrary to the popular line, if you've never used your own or worse still end up using only your own, you deserve to hear nothing but '...Shoo...' in varying tones of politeness (or a complete lack of it).

When you give 'advice', you just add vice to another soul. The vice of not having a spine.

Now, I strongly believe, 'consulting' is not 'advising'. When you consult/or are consulted, you impart 'information'... as in D-I-K-W (Data-Information-Knowledge-Wisdom *ting*)

Listen... Listen...Listen to the question.

Understand... or at least 'seek' to understand ONLY the question.

Clarify... not sets of morality statements, not faith, not intention... but the question.

And finally, Answer the question in question, and not your inner urge to feel like the law maker.

Have a spine? No?

You can't go get one... you gotta make your own.

Good luck.

The force within

2011-03-19T16:05:00.003+05:30

As usual... the title is misleading.

There's a force within that is born before birth.
And that is the feeling of existence.
A cousin of your ego.

The force that strives for acknowledgment. It is something that grows with all the love and care, or flickers for a lack of it. The feeling when your name is called, and a 1 yr old you knows that it is YOU that is being summoned. The ego of a name being used in any human context is born, surrounded by what the YOU prefers, or is allowed to choose from.

A pitiful dependence and a life long abuse story begins.
The death of your ego is beginning of love, and it never truly happens. The fear of losing your identity, when you look at life through someone else's eyes. The stark variance and common dysfunctions, are truly what brings you together.
Do you really fall in love when you like someone because they are as powerful as you?
Or more likely to, when he is as withdrawn from crowds as you are?

You break free mostly when benefits are at stake (!). Not forever.
The Ego needs a focus in its own way; an unshared attention from you such that it becomes you.

But then the Ego is as young as you...
So if I am almost 30, and I think back... what do I remember of my dad's LIC agent who came visiting his best friend every 3rd Sunday to bitch about the new policies and a great weekend breakfast. He called you last to say you're old enough to get bloody married! You said 'Ok, uncle'... but that was 4 years ago.

Of the sad 40 yr old neighbour caught in a troubled marriage who came to talk to your dad because he had no one else. You slapped his son last Saturday - a much older boy because he was bullying the new kid in the colony. You don't hate him now cause he married a lovely fat girl and loves her like crazy.

Of the lonely madman at the signal you saw growing older and lonelier over 8 years of your rides to school. And finally one day, you saw a crowd around some blood and gore, and two twisted feet. It was a mad Tuesday morning under a hot, humid sun.

Of the local sweet shop, the gluttonous old uncle who owned the shop and loved to pamper little girls. Hi granddaughter was as young as you, when she died of pleurisy last year.

Of the many birthday parties, year on year, till some of your neighbors moved away and then it was time for you.

Your first 'best friend' (or so you were told), who had other best friends too.

The first time a teacher in middle school, said "..you think very differently." And that seemed to answer all your baffling questions at once. So why did you hate it when you faced isolation in a crowd for the first time?! The first 'ting' of enlightenment, indeed.
The odd feeling of a routine, till you're allowed to break free. And they gave it a funny term, on tops - "come of age" - whoa!

Feeling older by the day, a little wiser, more befuddled than ever.

The importance of buying a candle during summers (in case the electricity goes off), instead of a quick call to your best friend from school boarding her flight to NYC, forever. You'd always be in touch!
The first dash of wise willingness to let go of the urge to make an episode of such things.
You teach yourself that life goes on.

You almost forget that lesson, when you meet a guy at work, who loves hanging out with you and is a great beer buddy. He has 2 great kids now and you still pull his leg for how pretty and different they are from him...

You exist because you feel because you have a force within you, that will never just let you be.

2011-03-04T00:17:00.002+05:30

Mankind !
You love spaces, don't you? Vast... like possibilities. And more possibilities. Like a sea of inviting progression...
Infinite yet imaginable... and the 'beyond'.

But spaces - Can they really scare you? Like the vastness of deserts, for a marooned soul. Like a punishment, something you'd have to baggage. And it smells like deadwood.

Back on track!

2010-11-29T18:41:00.000+05:30

Nah... That was a lame attempt at slapstick whatever.
But, back - yes and because it was inevitable.

I'd like to go up and shout from the rooftops - "History repeats..."

But what motivates man really? The end objective or the sick kick in plainly doing it.
So why do people force you to stay, when all they feel for you is instinctive, impenetrable, lame hatred. And since you have this penchant to attract controversies and other suitable forms of the same kind. You can imagine.

So... This is about changing again. Changing for good - that doesn't exist; cannot happen. You can always change back.
Or maybe transformation of trash into something useful for some more time... Trash it is, nevertheless. And trash it will be forever.

So here I am - waiting still but yeah - I can see something shaping up!
Bless the Lord and Bombay... whatever.

...

2010-02-06T18:05:00.002+05:30

Yea yea yea...
Why am I surprised? You win some. You lose most!
When I read Paul Coelho's Alchemist ... I was some 20 'slow city' years into life. He spoke of how the universe conspires to help you win something you want passionately. And to this day, I believe that stands unquestionably strong! ( "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.")
But the point I'd like to make is ... some things are never meant to be. For you. For others. For the whole of humanity..? Nah...
What's more important is that, it brings you closer to something you've been ignoring. The problem is, that people ignore the truth till it becomes a monster and devours all that's left... All that shouldn't exist.
And nothing is left.
Not even anything you can build the same dream, up with.
|| Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan ||

And this something that you face ... is worth the pain and grief.
I feel really grounded now... like the hangover that took weeks to get off my heavy head. But I loved it.
...

Lessons people laaarn...

2010-02-02T23:18:00.002+05:30

Imagine if you'd be in the 1st standard, just learning how to multiply 3 triple figures... assisted by your older sibling in the 5th who's an ace at math... You'd walk up the next day with correct answers but you'd never really know how he got them that fast.
That's what we do to others and to ourselves..
To others we offer advice... genuine, leading and at times strong.
Upon ourselves we bring greater tortures. Today I realized how stupid we are that we apply lessons from our past relationships to those that we are living right now... The fact is that we are different at different times and people around us change. When you hold on to old habits, values... you screw up this moment.
Trust your instinct... whatever you had to learn and keep... will always be there.

Why stay and suffer..? Just change it!

2010-02-02T14:59:00.002+05:30

For every nice human on the street, there are 3 dumb heads, 4 crude illiterates and 1 nice,sensible girl.

I am so appalled by the way humanity is being treated. I understand anger more than ever now. I feel it every night when I sit up, purposely waiting for a figment of some thought to hit me and hold me to earth.
I get the feeling so often that I don't want to be here. It is almost like there's something so unfair that is holding me back and I am an idiot in being held.
Patience Patience... Buuuull!!!

People management is based on ethics... and nothing else. You lie, you lose. There are some faff heads that don't come clean, after all that you did working for them. How does it matter to me?
It does for the people I'm leaving behind. I hate to feel helpless. I get the feeling that I am being so selfish. There are these distinctly frustrating times when I almost yell at them... Get out of here. Why stay and suffer, when you know it isn't making any difference to anybody including you?
Why not focus on understanding what you really want from your life? It pays to endure a reality check at least once in a blue moon.
Why do people keep cribbing and not change their situations??? I can understand falling in love tears you if you just can't get over the fact that it was not meant to be... But for anything less emotional, faintly rooted - Just go out and CHANGE it!!! A job, a house, a better friend, a better weather... If you cannot - why kill yourself over it..?

Insights...

2010-02-02T01:53:00.000+05:30

I know I'm back to blogging. Or is it just a new found bad thing that you cling on to, in the middle of a set of events.
There are some levels of naivety... and you really can't jump across levels. No - maybe another of my capabilities. I don't have the patience. Not that I want to jump the first and get to the end straight. I want things to take their own time. But I just don't have patience to see someone evolve from being a show off, a yes-guy at all times and odds - you can't always say 'yes' ... there has to be a healthy conflict of opinions - that too consistently. You should be able to enjoy patches of silence and indifference together. Well - I am a drifter and I like it this way sometimes.
I have been reading about tarot for a while now... There's this great interactive website that I have been spreading a good word about, because I love what it does for me. I call them insights... into what you're really thinking deep down. How you perceive situations with a little lead. I love what it does to my mind. It splits me into a rationalist and a 'querrent'... You have the question and the answer.
And I have had these terrible 2 weeks where I agree I have been more than momentarily stupid. That is specifically why people like me should not have - free time or nothing to worry about. I have been bringing it upon myself... some constructive moves, some situational fuck ups, and others - I still can't categorize or describe... those that still surprise me.
But I realize some signs in life are subtle. They never give you your answers... they just lead you there. At times, you just can't say no... but you're there and you know your answer would have been - NO... But what the hell - you got yourself stuck right in the center.
When there's a distinct sense of individuality, you know your boundaries and can still cross over seamlessly, quite effortlessly - you have simple magick! And to think that's forbidden, far off or even unattainable saddens you. :( ... It upsets you by greater leaps and stretches to realize it was not all that simple and straight.
Now I don't melt when a guy talks about ice creams. That's right .. That just puts me off totally and forever... its simply the end. But I love an articulate thought frame. It excites me to think that I can talk to someone with the right ideas... and then listen most of the time and enjoy great periods of silence and still communicate seamlessly.
But hey... I still mess it up to unbelievable limits. I still mess it up when I talk my best friend... just perception.

I ain't missing anything!

2010-02-01T15:18:00.005+05:30

There was this interesting mention of a 'real man' in a random conversation that I carried to work for those silly discussions.
So what is a 'real man' really? I don't know!!! 'Cause I haven't seen any in my generation... hopefully that remains appended with a coy little, hopeful 'so far' ... What the heck?! Lemme just say 'so far'... God isn't that unfair...
So...
It is so heartbreaking to even think that a 'real man' is really skin deep... to realize that a 'real man' is just fuckin' focused on fishing. Maybe even 'condescending' for fuck sake. And he presumes to know what you should be doing every moment of your life???!!! Whoa! So the 28 years that you have lived, experienced and learned from are all imaginary projections of your dirty ego... Hey! like I was all wrong? And I am ... will continue to be wrong and unhappy because I chose to do ... or in this case NOT do something I strongly feel against... more importantly something that is almost as inherent as my need to be loved... And that hurts the 'real man'... he suggests I be tender and less intimidating... oh yea... we know. I never abused you. I say 'Sorry' and 'Thank you' a lil more often than an average brain. And I say 'Sorry if that hurt you... I don't know what did ... but I'm still sorry!!!' - That ... ugggh!
I compliment when there is an opportunity. I smile at people to express warmth. I do not lie. I don't judge. (That's the real man's prerogative). I forgive easily. I am willing to listen... and oh oh oh... I LISTEN - I actually do!
I don't overcrowd when someone doesn't want me to... does that make me 'cold' and 'unresponsive'???
Of course I don't care what people think when I smoke or walk straight... or cut any sleazy asshole's small talk efforts.
...There's such a lack of chivalry in the world I see around me. And I'm not being word -deep... By chivalry I mean not just holding doors and leading a lady by the arm (and not the butt... ok exaggeration!). Chivalry, the way I see it, is like 'grace' in a lady. And just like 'grace' does not mean cowardice, resignation or accepting wrong things ; chivalry doesn't reside in that one thing ONLY... It is in knowing what you are allowed to ask for and what not.
I know I don't trust easily... I know I have that problem. It's not a decision. It is what I have been through. And looks like I wasn't all that wrong after all. *smirk,giggle,giggle,smirk*
And with each passing day, things only reinforce this...
And I remembered what another 'real man' told me some 10 months back. And worse still, he is an ace astrologer... he said I will never meet a man if this cold attitude stays... ha ha... and all that because I said we don't need to get on to a web cam for me to get some better tips in astrology. And up until that moment I remember showering him with enough courtesy and respect... What the fuck???!!! That's my fuckin' wish...
Real men are scary... or are they scared?
The problem is when you really start liking someone... for reasons that are general, warm, social and nice. And that surprises you. (Or maybe, you've been starving for some intelligent company apart from your bro, your good friend and colleagues.) Then you think this will just pass off... but you continue to like him. You find him consistently pleasant, funny, warm, sensible, honest... whoa whoa whoa... but somewhere there is this fear, this doubt. And then you realize, you were wrong... all through. Things haven't changed. They never will. They never do.
And that makes me think ... do I really want to be there, facing all that? The answer is NO.
I really am not missing anything. :)

P.S. : And blogging about this (not a great idea, but what the heck!) - just because I am really upset - not with anyone in particular. You can't blame people for what they are or chose to be. I am not going that way, at all. Not my business - no way.
I hate being here and feeling this way. It's just so depressing to see what reality is. My world is so much more peaceful and safe :P
I just needed to get it out of my system. And I think I'm better now or will be soon... I mean ... you know. It's just a passing phase... reaction and stuff.
And a person like me should just be ignored... just looking through me is the best favor you can do to me.
I am sure this post will be taken off 2 days from now... and that's practically because I would rather die than have anyone read this. haha...

Forgiving is not difficult

2010-01-30T12:14:00.002+05:30

... And that's not because I'm in some new kind of love or whatever. No kidding.
Just that - at times peace making feels better than making love. In most cases, you detest the 2nd. People are still people, nevertheless. Whatever that is supposed to make you think!
We all want something, expect something from whoever we meet in this lifetime. Some people expect not be disturbed and the others seek to change them. Friends and enemies alike ( PD - I know you're in your grave in DC - LOL!)
The funny thing is - they always meet. (Why, Why, Why?!!!)
There are some more assholes that just are cynical and sarcastically condescending. Folks who think they see whatever they need to know; that all around them have been fucking with their brains for decades... Pathetic.
When you lie... there should be a character to the misstatement, not just punctuations.
Better luck next time...

Bowled again!

2010-01-29T22:24:00.003+05:30

I seem to keep saying this pretty much 'quite often' these days...
Life's weird. At times, it just takes a moment - a mere, sperm-head of a moment - to realize what went wrong with you some 7 years back..!
(It scares the shit of you, man!!!)
To think how many people could have had a glimpse into the most personal, core stuff in your life...
It could kill, and trust me that's an understatement. So many events that are absolutely unrelated, and are rooted in such different circumstances and separated by geography!!! All these little things just seem to converge, touch point ... at a time in your life when you aren't all that ready... they just explode at the final moment... Just like the storm that hit the quite-for-long village. May not be peaceful, though ...
The fact that you're meant to be there... the fact that you WERE bloody, fucking there! Thaaaat izzz... phew!
You hold a very large piece of the puzzle may be... May be the answer's meant only for you... but who knows... (and who fuckin' cares)
I know I shouldn't fuel this long enough to let a tine flicker burn it all up ... *chuckle chuckle* - And hey this is NOT being cynical - this is being humorous each time God plays this funny trick on you .. and really I can hear him laugh 'through' me... ;)

Why am I a drifter?

2010-01-25T21:26:00.003+05:30

So what happened to all those thoughts and words.
Nothing that you can define. Mumblings at the end of the day?
:)
Well! There isn't any bad blood anymore - that's one thing for sure. And yes, I have proved that when you're over something, nothing that relates to that shit can ever affect you!
And I jump, asking the 12 year old 'me'... Can you teach me about the simpler things in life... errr... I seemed to have forgotten them. Or is it just me ... or you... or both?
And the simple highs of first times... :P ... '28 doesn't seem that difficult at all! ' - pat comes the reply.
SChooopihd!!! - 'Huh! Oh yeah! Well - **** you too! I know your secrets but you couldn't even imagine mine!' :D Point 1 for the older me.
I imagined 28 would be a lot more serious. A lote more grounded in the sense you would have by then made up your mind about a lot of things and you would always know the best. Like my mom. Like my dad and most of his people. (Mom's side - You still make me proud with your naivety!)
I imagined 28 would be loveless. I wouldn't feel anything. But it is indeed - quite contrary!
I imagined I would have these close encounters with the most evolved and most intelligent - To think of what happened in reality.
I don't fuss at all.
I don't feel depressed.
I don't feel lonely - haha... over crowded at times, but never lonely.
Like right now - I am drunk on 3 shots of rum and couple o' beers. My good friend from Bombay is explaining what her curriculum @ her MBA course with a sterling institute. And I come back some 10% of the times - ask her well thought of questions and drift away while she answers. I am happy for her. She doesn't need that much attention.
Why am I a drifter?

...

2010-01-16T23:11:00.002+05:30

There are these times that things seem quite fuzzy.
...Quite beyond what we know as normal. Signs that are beyond you and me. Signs that are compelling enough. Can a city really be that small? I really wonder at times... why would someone keep emerging... someone that you find quite naturally nice, but normal.
If God wanted to tell you something... and considering you have faith 'enough' ... why wouldn't he just use your language of communication? I mean... Isn't he supposed to be 'God' ... The God..?
There's this sinking feeling in the midst of something as up-heaving as love... as simple as something you don't feel... never thought you would but can see happening. Now, why would you refuse this amazing, ethereal, mind blowing experience... that's probably because you f***in' hate being tongue tied. You don't need 3 months to realize that you're in love...

...Deja vu

2009-09-27T20:48:00.001+05:30

Sniff Sniff... Been here before!
Why's this happening too often now...? Call's for some introspection. hmmm...

Each passing day...

2009-08-17T00:12:00.002+05:30

Each passing day
that brings me closer to you,
is so blank.

I was sleeping in
what they call life
till I heard the sounds
your voice...
thinking did i miss something?
I always knew you were coming...

Sometimes, the wine bottles
holding a creeper
seem to weep.
Or so I think?

I don't remember when you came
and when you left

but you left a thirst behind
a question so unanswered.

but when you come closer ,
may be the whispers in the wind
will tell us when.

And when the time is right
like the innocence of yonder years
loved, yet untouched,
the pure wisdom,
the un-bride-d version of my yesteryear's
will come alive.

And maybe you'll have my answers.
And when each of my tears
sting you...

Maybe, may be blessed.
Don't hurt yourself too much
that I can't bear.

Don't look behind once
you decide to walk away.

Don't hurt when you see me smiling next

Sometimes

2009-07-19T23:53:00.002+05:30

Sometimes there's this deep gorge in me
waiting to break free and flow
Like the summer tempest
blowing straight out of the land.

Sometimes I just want to cry
weep like a baby
because everything seems so calm around
that it scares.

Sometimes,
just sometimes
I want to go back to that one stranger
I see everyday. In dreams, thoughts alike
wondering what it would be ... to be that stranger.

Sometime, yet again,
I will dream of that one night,
I counted futile minutes
before I could run away from facing the bare facts.

But you don't care
or show that you do.

You are happy with unwittingly engraved remarks,
and chance meetings to blame upon.
Sly smiles that we think will make us look strong.
Sometimes, all adults can be so silly.

You say sorry now
... when I really didn't realize you were gone.
Sometimes, how assumptive can we become?

Winter moons are hard to survive
Winter gray is the color of slumber.
Right now, I am not torn
Right now, I care a hoot.
So do you... ah, I know.

But, yet again, sometime -
when the time is near
and you want to confess
I promise i will smile and laugh it off.
Sometimes, the deep gorge really camouflages
all sorrows and heartbreaks, pretty fine.

Random musings to run away from work.

2009-06-14T16:41:00.004+05:30

So what is it that I miss being (more)..?
The temptations of scaling peaks or being just brilliantly unbridled... Or those vague memories of dreams that you swore by once and don't remember where you lost them. Like the faint musty smell of monsoon that makes your heart throb and your head headier still. Sometimes you want to carry somethings with you wherever you go and of course they are heavier than your back pack ... much heavier. Probably the song at the coffee shop that can be blamed for that relationship you wanted to grow old with... but was never meant to.
When that familiar wave thrusts against you, something inside you sinks. It pays to lock yourself in your world... it's beautiful... it's strategic - a tool of nature they call Preservation in Progression...
So far and not further... that's all I hear myself say each day and I know there's a long way to go for a long time ahead.
No pretense. Pure redemption ... that's all I seek.

Farewell to 3 - My Goodbye mail (From my old box -III)

2009-01-12T23:26:00.002+05:30

Hello People!

Where is the good in a goodbye …?

Nevertheless, in this moment of truth, all I can say is Thank You!

These 3 and ½ years in 3, an advisor to a Team Leader;
The hundreds of stories, some unfinished;
The under current of Passion, always the reason;
The Highs, the Lows;
The New and the Old…
Spectrum, Eureka, Paradigm and Prism…
From CCAA to Psft…
Motorola A830 to Nokia 6288.
Friends & Family to Direct Talker1000…
And so many more to come!

3 is not an Organisation…
3 is not a just a Brand…
3 is not just a Culture…
3 is The Spirit… A Feeling of Constant High!

The journey has been fabulous, wondrous, exalting… (I just realised, I don’t have words enough to express this strange feeling!)

I will miss all my managers (I truly salute and respect you), who’ve tried like true warriors to get me to grow up J and I must say, have done a great job. I will miss all the teams in Post Pay and Billing alike...
…And all the support teams that have been key players in getting us to reach where we are…The great successes that we shared as a team… The team I’d love to call: Team 3.
I take with me the strong sense of belonging and identity… The values that I’ve learnt with 3.
I take with me the fierce sense of humour which saw us through trying times. And I pass it on to all the nascent, budding talents…
I will miss all the smoke zones and the smoke zone talks... Censored, Uncensored!
A special thanks to X-Zoticus… A Culture that was born in Spectrum.
And last but not the least: Thank you, my team: ‘Jungle Book’ … You’ve taught me what ‘Back to Basics’ means!

Thank you friends because that is all that I leave with! And because, it is a small world that we live in, we will meet again.
Please keep in touch and keep the Spirit of 3 HIGH as ever!

From my old box - II

2009-01-12T23:14:00.000+05:30

It is a strange place here..
Miles gone..
More to come..
Lost and found .. a few principles undefined..
A wing of desire , relentlessly pondering..
Are u here to stay..
Coz where I am , I can see so much..
Yet not understand..
The fear.. I was wrong .. it’s not dead..
It’s still there, lurking in the dark dungeons of my yesteryears..
Yet so much is around.. that I can look away now..
And not feel the pain ..
Tarry… but a little…
And then keep walking again…
Like miles gone…and more to come

What is it that has stayed
From those years that I have left behind…
Places unreserved have come to fill
All with unknown faces…
The ones I knew , or so I thght…
Were never mine to start with…
Far away.. gone with the tides of fate..
Strewn apart . the tempest of our lives..

Times have changed…
Times are new…
The old has to move over .. and not serene..
And no not so calm… my love is still dead
It only comes alive
For a moment of bliss
Like I hid it from the world’s way ahead…

For the years that have gone by …
And the years that are to come….
I live for just that One tiny Flame…
That burns all through the darkest of all nights…
My heart that beats and flickers with every Joy and Pain alike…
I will live for u … The life I live from within..
Me….

Things change... (From my old box)

2009-01-12T23:09:00.000+05:30

Yesterday ,
It was bright and sunny.
There were blue clouds in the sky.
Today,
The clouds are dark
And the wind is cold , here in the garden.

But, I guess,
Seasons change.

Yesterday,
I remember I took the long winding route to the garden close by,
There were daisies and fontains on my way.
Today,
The road is just a minute’s walk
And daisies and pretty fontains are lost.

But, I guess,
Roads change

Yesterday,
I remember I lay down in the garden,
The green grass under my feet ,
The soft , plush winds to caress my hair .
The warmth of the mud rising to my eyes.
Today,
The green grass is no more green,
The winds have travelled away.
The mud has been stolen away to build pyramids to man’s ego.

But, I guess,
Places change.

Another thing I remember ,
Oh, so close to my heart.

Yesterday,
I held your hand
So close to my face and I felt you in me like never before.
You touched my lips like you always wanted them .
You held me in your arms like you would never let me go.
Today,
Alas,
I don’t hold your hand anymore.
You don’t look my way.
I feel you are letting me go.
And wanting me to do the same.

But, I guess,
People change.

F*** knows why it happened... or even HOW???!!!

2009-01-11T10:06:00.003+05:30

Sometimes we blame it on stuff like some things that lead to some more, but what we become in the process is what we have been ignoring a long while... Somethings that change a part of you... the way you see yourself...

And you almost start hating yourself and things related... This, my friend, is just the beginning.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again… Not that these were unheard of. But the seemingly innocent flow gets this stark shade of all things crude.

You never meant to be there.

You never wanted to go through that.

You never thought it was that… But you didn’t do anything to get out of there.

Can you re-trace your steps back to where you were early last morning?

No, I can’t. Wtf?!!

And what was it? Do you want to remember…? Yeah, right… Just vanish… just… do it – vanish!

You want to run away from the ‘now’ … and yeah, f*** you can!

Take this ‘me’ away… I don’t know her… don’t even want to know.

And the mother of all questions… Why me? Why the f*** yesterday? And why did it have to end like that??!!

It should NOT have happened… NOT NOT NOT happened… But it will NEVER change…

And it was my fault more than anyone else’s… Much much more. I knew. I never wanted it but I knew… I always knew.

10^th Jan… will go down as the Most Despised day of my Life so f***ing far… And it will always remain so…

Summer Rains...

2008-05-14T14:48:00.009+05:30

She looked out of the window. The wet summer rain and the soft droplets shining like pearl droppings in the faint sun.
She took in a deep swig of the moist wind. Her face covered with her palms to feel the splashes that brilliantly settled on them from nowhere.
Where now? She remembered asking herself this question a million times before. She never remembered the answers, even if she did.
She smiled as she drew a long, deliberate, invigorating puff of the most precious weed she had drawn into her lungs in ages.
Better, best forgotten...
The track played like the Gods were trying to modify the impression we earthlings have conjured of them.
Life is not trying to prove itself to anyone. It is what it is, always. At times, it may spring at you across the vast emptiness, with a purpose to help you delve deep into your conscience, and at other times because you're just bored with no one to talk to.
Either ways, it will just pass. It is important not to trust anyone, just like it's important to let others be free. You can refuse to do it and be vehemently demanding, but ... doesn't help.
Some people feign understanding what your core is. Others simply ignore.
She longed to meet someone who will better learn to ignore her but still stay, lurking in the silence of co-existence, of a deeper bond and acceptance. Someone who doesn't love her, only to start building a 'desirable' person around her very truth ; only to start taking advantage of her efforts.
And why should one 'try'? Am I not being honest in saying that I am just tired of trying ...
Don't tell me it's for my own god, that I should stop being...

The cell buzzed - always on silent ... yeah. Time to go pitcher downing...
See I told you... it will just pass.

...So on and So forth...

2008-05-14T14:03:00.003+05:30

Everything that happens, is for a purpose. Good or bad - is a different story.

Knowledge is without bounds... what you choose to remember and carry forward in life [and beyond] is limited.
The Self is the only gateway to realization. The only bond with the world and the Godhead; hence the most basic and important part of existence. Integrity is how you choose to stand by the Self- the discipline you inherently apply to your beliefs and actions.
The Self is the way it is now be-cause of so many incidents and experiences of the past [which occurred on purpose].
When the Self becomes predominant and not it's essence - you create an arrogant monster covered with scabs and wounds that can never heal.
When the Self is forgotten and its essence belittled or shrunk - you lose the crux of existence, the connection to the Godhead - therefore, the purpose of your life, whether it's salvation, redemption or achievement.
The Self is to be experienced, understood and improved. It has to be made useful and its learnings shared relevantly. Its desires achieved to establish what's called the Cycle of Life and Death.

Listen up!

2008-05-09T16:21:00.005+05:30

I don't believe a word that you say anymore. I don't live within the cages of your extremities and you don't know what you're up against...
I surprise myself with all that I can think of. I'll surprise you someday, when you try me too much and beyond.
Each time that I smile and look on innocently, when you lie, ignore and hide - there's a faint tingling within me that makes me tell myself - "This, my friend, is just the beginning".
They say all relationships in this world are mere compromises 'petite-ly' wrapped in facades of love and understanding. The fact is nothing is unconditional. So what if I am a fool? So what if I never learn... I still have the balls to live life on my own terms. I still have what it takes to elevate myself and most around. Something your doctrines never postulated...
Have I become simple in the words that I use? I call it arrogance balanced with the acceptance that most people are just obnoxiously self-conceited... And I really don't want to insult you, embarrass you when you read this.Hence, the simplicity.
You know you are lying. You cannot face the demon in you. And so you see streaks of that same demon in everyone around. But you know.... You ARE lying.
I may not say so. I may just smile as if I really believe you, your ideals and spiritual aspirations. If you confront me and ask if I am lying all the while - I'd just look clueless and you know I can fake better than anyone.
What can I do? I know there's a purpose in me being here... A purpose that is not written and formally, contractually agreed upon. And I will achieve it, like I always have.

The Essence of Time...

2008-05-09T04:20:00.003+05:30

It's crazy at times. The way life pulls you to the extremes. You refuse to accept. You refuse to learn. Thus, 'create a new chapter, a new inspiration in life. Is that what the cycle of life is all about? I say - Well, you have to be there, in the centrespot to turn the wheel around, many times over.
Nothing around you is real. No experience can really teach.
... Unless, you willingly create the cause.
We still beg like dogs for answers. We still hunger for reason, for logic.
We still hold on to the legs of our wooden cots and refuse to let go.
Worse still, we think we are clinging on to comfort and that makes us guilty.

Care to just stop thinking for a moment? Ever sought happiness like you were really born to feel some?
Oh yeah... why didn't God just write tags and notes - put them on us like decipherable birthmarks. Why did he choose to speak the languages of planets, signs, miracles and penance - something the raving holy men were meant to understand? So he can make your understanding of life difficult to achieve. And thereby he created, like a mountain etched with poetry, a reason - a purpose for us, transiting souls, to 'tweedle' and play with.

There's so much that binds you to the past. There's so much that keeps bringing you back ... for more and more.
Just like you can't have had enough.
Why do you break promises? Not because you cannot keep some... Because he wants you to know that some things are just not meant to be. That you must face it.
Struggle is not a part of life. It's not life at all.

Struggle is the undertone or the overtone. Life is what you do/think/be/ act in between...

There are great men. And there are others.
But great mean suffer most. Why?
Suffering is not elevation. Elevation is what comes after you get over the pain. The sweet arrogance - that you got through.
... Just live the pain, the anger, the joys, the loneliness, the highs, the stupor... You don't want to live to regret that you hadn't...

Mumbai... am coming [:D]

2008-05-02T00:06:00.002+05:30

Red is the colour of my Heart...

Yesterday... was a choice

2008-05-01T21:55:00.011+05:30

Sometimes, I walk by the sandy beach
Alone.
I try to count the grains of time
that have swept by these shores

So many times
So many years

A choice each one made
To Stay
To Leave
To delve into the timeless pits of reality
Alone.

There was a time
When you were around
That these moments faltered
Created an illusion
So often, that we were reeling
The spool of Dreams
that ended in nothing.

There is nothing that I can I ask you today
Nothing that I can speak
No dreams in the night time of my life
No nightmares, Or faceless effigies to burn

Dawn to dusk
I walk along this shore.
Each morose twitch of pain
Subsides like it was never before
Yet, the sun rises and sets in absolute harmony.

Perhaps the loneliness has taught me something
Shown me its need
And I have flown so high in its wings
So far away
That we can never even smile that way again.

If Farewell is so hard to bear
If Goodbye is so hard to say

Let's drown it in silence
like the questions on each grain...

Let's part like we never met.

LOL

2008-04-19T07:21:00.004+05:30

.....

2008-04-12T23:01:00.003+05:30

There's something that is worrying me, but I can't say what. There's something in my own mind that I cannot read, decipher.
Something's not right - it has just not been right for the past 2 months. Is it just the phase or beginning of one. I really don't want to know anything unpleasant or even remotely painful. I don't want pain anymore. I am scared she will be back again.

Sometimes, I ask myself. Do I really know you well? Or should it be the other way. Do you really understand what I feel? ... what I go through each time, you look away.

There are things I will never bring up. There are things that I will never want to read in me. Yet some more thoughts I will never put to words.
Because I am scared to trust you. It is my own ineptitude, probably. But I still will not.
I know you will go away very soon. I will not hold you back.
Here... let me try helping you go away sooner. If it's painful - for you, for me, for anyone - let it be.
We don't need it anymore.

Goodbye. We can never be friends, no matter how much I lie to convince you...

Love, is it? ah!

2008-04-10T21:26:00.008+05:30

Why do things have to come my way, when they have to go away...

Why do I believe they will stay?

However small a wound, doesn't it hurt?

However short the time, doesn't it stay in your memory?

When will I learn , that I cannot trust myself too?

The dung fire fumes are long gone...

There is just a mist that is settling.

And I was wrong yet again.

It doesn't exist.

It really doesn't.

But God willed it this way for me.

Once again, there will be moments when He will make me look up.

Once again, the melody will soothe me dry.

Yet again, I will revel in Highs...

And finally, stop looking any further than I.

Hopefully!

Because this time, I can't trust the 'I'...

It's always been wrong ...

And how long....?

I have to stop it here...

Stop like it never started.

Stop before it hurts me to the tiniest bit of hope that was left...

Because I don't deserve being here?

Yes, that's true.

And how will it be this time...?

This time that you defied yourself...

To say it was here... and it was here to stay?

Are you going to pain within ...

And yet not talk about it... ?

Just silently tease yourself ... Love, is it? ah!

When you have to swallow the lump within you...

And look happy to be the fool.

The Celebrated Joker?

Oh! She cannot be kept down at all...

She is a pro at that you see.

What pains more?

When you Hurt yourself...?

Or, when you Hate yourself?

You are not prepared. Don't lie to yourself...

You will weep like child again...

You will run away from the crowds again...

You will drown your sorrow in those pitchers again...

You will fire the pistols yet again...

Again and Again...

You knew it, didn't you?

Then why?

Not - why did you let yourself in ...

But - why did you have to believe - that'll be never again!

That you'll quit...?

You're cursed to be here

Forever... and this was your final effort!

And effort that you lost to yourself...

Against your own Enemy, your own Friend.

So what's your poison this time???

When you go away...

2008-03-27T02:14:00.006+05:30

When you go away...
Don't explain why you are...
I don't need to know.
What I will take away is what we were, and not this Bye.
Suffer with pain - I will, if I have to.
But never will I share my suffering with you.
All that I ever had is indignity whenever I have shared anything.
My Pain , My Disrespect, My Outrage
Is Mine alone...
You never had a right to it.
Now that you are leaving, you never will.
I treat you like you are intelligent.
I wish to be treated the same.
I don't believe in poetry anymore.
Just like I don't believe real love exists.
Everything seems so fleeting in the wake...
The Wake of my Reality.
This had to happen, I knew. It would have, even if I didn't...
So just Go Away...
Vanish without a trace...
The same way that you came.
If I have to live in such Denial, I will.
The Denial is Mine Alone.

2008-03-24T16:28:00.004+05:30

It's these times in life, that bring you back to your reality. These few times that present to you themselves, hugely devoted so you can see what it means to look beyond what your past has taught you as against what you really wanted in life.
It shows you the people you wish you had met ages ago and things turned out differently. But they make you smile, almost out of turn , yet so surprisingly infectious is there stay that you wake up in the morning and reach out to the ones who caused these moments.
But the fear never leaves you really.
Small blocks, sometimes self afflicted and created, always stay and loom over you... Those times that you stand out looking at the nascent greens sprawling in the outer world and the breeze that brings back memories of the month you were born, the month of gleeful wetness, the first smell of damp Earth...
The child within you is raring to be let out and to smile at every stranger that God has put on your way; and most of all that one person who just was non-existent a month ago; and still is distant in the strict sense of worldly distances.
But the wounded bigwig, the know-it-all cause I faced-it-all, holds the reigns... Don't go that way she says... it will never give you what you need. But it has already, the infant cries, and I don't want to lose it... ever. Faint in her voice she draws the infant to her bosom...and that's what you've known so far, but the truth is , you know it is never what it seems and never will be. So as long as you want to be merry, play and giggle, I will be here standing, watching out for you. I am the restraint, the Mind who has felt the pain , of distrust, disrespect, of love-less-ness and loneliness. Yet I have wanted to be forever alone because I have you, You - that I love and so strangely protect.
Because I care - I care to preserve this face of me, and let it be , revel within the boundaries of security made by me. It is true , that you the infant cannot be mean, save be vulnerable all the time. But don't ask me to go away- not yet, because the time has not come...

Kite Runner...

2008-03-08T15:48:00.007+05:30

A book that has an incredible , infallible impact on the way you see relationships and judge matters of Loyalty...

There is so much that each page has to give to you and so much that it helps you fathom about true values... that you almost fall in love with the machoistic loyalty, the love and willingness to stand above all low things in life...

Amir - the protagonist, the story of his life is the story of love, hatred, cowardice and eventually courage - a struggle to 'come clean '- not situational/ assisted or spontaneously...

Hassan - the root cause of the hero ... the one gift to Amir that God carefully placed, took away and brought back ... so Amir could learn , repent and Rise to courage...

Courage was one thing Amir always lacked... his father the Grand Hero always knew this ... ' A man who cannot stand up... ' But even he could not have done for his well-born son, what his 'other', most neglected yet grateful and loyal son did... Teach him that when we stand for the ones we love, we are ready to sacrifice the most precious of our lives... we receive the Love that is the purest of all emotions...

The most trying phase in Amir's life would have been when Hasan's son slits his wrists and refuses to believe that he can trust Amir... when Amir prays after ages that the one God he has used only for his selfish pursuits save his only hope to redemption ... when he weeps and realises that the only thing he has ever wanted so bad is his best friend son to be his own ...
That makes Hasan - the maker of the Hero... Much more powerful and glorious... yet so simply happy!

There are so many vivid characters in this work of art... Such massive heart-wrenching moments that you turn soft within, yearning to be out there doing something for someone in pain, loneliness and misery.

I sometimes dream of falling in love with the best of the men this book has to hold...

The articulation, intelligence of Amir.

The Loyalty, Chivalry and Innocence of Hasan.

The courage and stamina of Baba - his broad outlook which rubbishes fanaticism, stands with his head held high -any difficulty that God has to offer. Oh so rugged in approach and built... awe-inspiring. The inherent courage and sense of 'Honour' among the Afghans as a race. The affluence he was born with and the legacy of altruism passed on from his forefathers. They way he expresses his pride - his princess - the learned, celebrated Lady of the House, The Unfortunate mother of Amir and her death which drives him to create yet another chapter in his life - Hasan - the virtuous, courageous yet almost 'hidden dark secret' of his life - a wound that wants to heal yet strangely his only respite! The way they exude a sense of pride - their nang and namos. It is such a pity that such royal aspects of the culture have been interpreted in such a groase manner by fanatics and illiterates, the intolerance to the deeply rooted sense of cultural high... Such a pity!

But most of all ... A thousand times over... to have a friend who can say that and mean it too... to have someone love you so much that he 'sooner eat dirt' than hurt you...

Deep in my heart I still relate to Hasan and his pain of not receiving what he gave... yet happy, to move away when he is no longer wanted and rather be thrown away. The pain you feel for this man's son Sohrab when he is left alone amongst strangers - some saying they will care for him and some saying they don't care. His anger and courageous instincts to defend what his father would have guarded as his most precious : Amir- and the way he does it with the slingshot - a eerie replay of his father's courage.

The years Amir spends with his wife - the understanding between them is so deep and enthralling , that it gives you hope to see beyond your own disappointments. The grace and respect he shows her when he hugs her and looks into her eyes... the long nights he confesses to have experienced when he lies in wait for the moment that he will see her again... You're still the chand of my Yelda... Almost makes you sigh...Vividly romantic...!

Must see as a movie and definitely a MUST READ! - for all those hopeless romantics like me... :-)

Zindagi Migzara... Life goes on!

Something I'd like to know...

2008-02-14T10:54:00.003+05:30

Hey Mate!
Can I ask you a question...
When you leave something bad behind long ago ;yet you keep coming back in some way or the other... what is it that keeps you doing that?
When you hear words that you have heard before, what is it that makes you feel it is a sign.
When you walk away once and forever, what can make you look back in times of sadness and mirth alike?

Love comes at a cost...

2008-02-04T21:51:00.001+05:30

It really does.
You gotta decide how much and how long you should be the one paying.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore.
I don't want to wait always.
I don't want to weep ever again.

I don't like your words.
I don't like your sly smile.
I don't like the way you treat your parents, friends

I don't think you know what you are.
I don't think you know where you're going.
I don't think I'll ever hold your hand to say ' You'll always have me...'

I am simple, tough ,warm hearted and fun loving.
I am decissive and patient.
I am a self believer, strong and subtle yet I don't destroy Life around me.

I want to be free again.
I want to heal completely and fall in love again.
I want Mom to be happy because I am her only Joy!

I hate your indifference.
I hate your petty illiteracy, your conceited sense of evolution.
I hate you...

Bye... Forever.

Many Times...Over!

2008-02-04T15:53:00.002+05:30

Can't think of a title now...
I feel this nubile sense of energy and it is so surprising... the cycle has started all over again.
Am back home, torn apart between individuals I love and care for immensely. Some silently wish that I would be back, some confess to feeling vacuum-ated within, some never cared ever, some hurt the living tear glands out of me for years, some cannot accept I am not lucky all the time but nevertheless remain unhurt-always a winner, some have been longing to just run across to my room to see me sleep peacefully with a smile... some will never understand why I did all of this...why I keep turning the cycle of Life and Faith over again, Many Times Over... (now that's going to be the 'title')
I lived alone most of these 5 years through phases that have moulded my life. Sometimes, I wept because I was alone but most of the times because I will not be alone all my life... and that's what I wanted so bad... To be able to Rule my Life, to sit and dream up plans of un-deniably highs - to be able to listen to music from the 4th floor balcony till 4 in the morning and sleep with only the lullying sound of my own breath heavy with the abuse story.

Call me crazy because that's the bloody truth and will always be... :-)

I was never sad... though heart-broken at times. I was never afraid, though the scary shadows reminded me that the night was setting in. And then the sweet high,racy beat of Absolute Power... power to will myself - Can anything ever stop me? Nah...!

God! Is this me, really? On second thoughts, 'always have been this way.

Chakde Fatte!