Summer Rains...

She looked out of the window. The wet summer rain and the soft droplets shining like pearl droppings in the faint sun.
She took in a deep swig of the moist wind. Her face covered with her palms to feel the splashes that brilliantly settled on them from nowhere.
Where now? She remembered asking herself this question a million times before. She never remembered the answers, even if she did.
She smiled as she drew a long, deliberate, invigorating puff of the most precious weed she had drawn into her lungs in ages.
Better, best forgotten...
The track played like the Gods were trying to modify the impression we earthlings have conjured of them.
Life is not trying to prove itself to anyone. It is what it is, always. At times, it may spring at you across the vast emptiness, with a purpose to help you delve deep into your conscience, and at other times because you're just bored with no one to talk to.
Either ways, it will just pass. It is important not to trust anyone, just like it's important to let others be free. You can refuse to do it and be vehemently demanding, but ... doesn't help.
Some people feign understanding what your core is. Others simply ignore.
She longed to meet someone who will better learn to ignore her but still stay, lurking in the silence of co-existence, of a deeper bond and acceptance. Someone who doesn't love her, only to start building a 'desirable' person around her very truth ; only to start taking advantage of her efforts.
And why should one 'try'? Am I not being honest in saying that I am just tired of trying ...
Don't tell me it's for my own god, that I should stop being...

The cell buzzed - always on silent ... yeah. Time to go pitcher downing...
See I told you... it will just pass.

...So on and So forth...

Everything that happens, is for a purpose. Good or bad - is a different story.

Knowledge is without bounds... what you choose to remember and carry forward in life [and beyond] is limited.
The Self is the only gateway to realization. The only bond with the world and the Godhead; hence the most basic and important part of existence. Integrity is how you choose to stand by the Self- the discipline you inherently apply to your beliefs and actions.
The Self is the way it is now be-cause of so many incidents and experiences of the past [which occurred on purpose].
When the Self becomes predominant and not it's essence - you create an arrogant monster covered with scabs and wounds that can never heal.
When the Self is forgotten and its essence belittled or shrunk - you lose the crux of existence, the connection to the Godhead - therefore, the purpose of your life, whether it's salvation, redemption or achievement.
The Self is to be experienced, understood and improved. It has to be made useful and its learnings shared relevantly. Its desires achieved to establish what's called the Cycle of Life and Death.

Listen up!

I don't believe a word that you say anymore. I don't live within the cages of your extremities and you don't know what you're up against...
I surprise myself with all that I can think of. I'll surprise you someday, when you try me too much and beyond.
Each time that I smile and look on innocently, when you lie, ignore and hide - there's a faint tingling within me that makes me tell myself - "This, my friend, is just the beginning".
They say all relationships in this world are mere compromises 'petite-ly' wrapped in facades of love and understanding. The fact is nothing is unconditional. So what if I am a fool? So what if I never learn... I still have the balls to live life on my own terms. I still have what it takes to elevate myself and most around. Something your doctrines never postulated...
Have I become simple in the words that I use? I call it arrogance balanced with the acceptance that most people are just obnoxiously self-conceited... And I really don't want to insult you, embarrass you when you read this.Hence, the simplicity.
You know you are lying. You cannot face the demon in you. And so you see streaks of that same demon in everyone around. But you know.... You ARE lying.
I may not say so. I may just smile as if I really believe you, your ideals and spiritual aspirations. If you confront me and ask if I am lying all the while - I'd just look clueless and you know I can fake better than anyone.
What can I do? I know there's a purpose in me being here... A purpose that is not written and formally, contractually agreed upon. And I will achieve it, like I always have.

The Essence of Time...

It's crazy at times. The way life pulls you to the extremes. You refuse to accept. You refuse to learn. Thus, 'create a new chapter, a new inspiration in life. Is that what the cycle of life is all about? I say - Well, you have to be there, in the centrespot to turn the wheel around, many times over.
Nothing around you is real. No experience can really teach.
... Unless, you willingly create the cause.
We still beg like dogs for answers. We still hunger for reason, for logic.
We still hold on to the legs of our wooden cots and refuse to let go.
Worse still, we think we are clinging on to comfort and that makes us guilty.

Care to just stop thinking for a moment? Ever sought happiness like you were really born to feel some?
Oh yeah... why didn't God just write tags and notes - put them on us like decipherable birthmarks. Why did he choose to speak the languages of planets, signs, miracles and penance - something the raving holy men were meant to understand? So he can make your understanding of life difficult to achieve. And thereby he created, like a mountain etched with poetry, a reason - a purpose for us, transiting souls, to 'tweedle' and play with.

There's so much that binds you to the past. There's so much that keeps bringing you back ... for more and more.
Just like you can't have had enough.
Why do you break promises? Not because you cannot keep some... Because he wants you to know that some things are just not meant to be. That you must face it.
Struggle is not a part of life. It's not life at all.

Struggle is the undertone or the overtone. Life is what you do/think/be/ act in between...

There are great men. And there are others.
But great mean suffer most. Why?
Suffering is not elevation. Elevation is what comes after you get over the pain. The sweet arrogance - that you got through.
... Just live the pain, the anger, the joys, the loneliness, the highs, the stupor... You don't want to live to regret that you hadn't...

Mumbai... am coming [:D]

Red is the colour of my Heart...

Yesterday... was a choice

Sometimes, I walk by the sandy beach
Alone.
I try to count the grains of time
that have swept by these shores

So many times
So many years



A choice each one made
To Stay
To Leave
To delve into the timeless pits of reality
Alone.

There was a time
When you were around
That these moments faltered
Created an illusion
So often, that we were reeling
The spool of Dreams
that ended in nothing.

There is nothing that I can I ask you today
Nothing that I can speak
No dreams in the night time of my life
No nightmares, Or faceless effigies to burn

Dawn to dusk
I walk along this shore.
Each morose twitch of pain
Subsides like it was never before
Yet, the sun rises and sets in absolute harmony.

Perhaps the loneliness has taught me something
Shown me its need
And I have flown so high in its wings
So far away
That we can never even smile that way again.



If Farewell is so hard to bear
If Goodbye is so hard to say

Let's drown it in silence
like the questions on each grain...

Let's part like we never met.

LOL

.....

There's something that is worrying me, but I can't say what. There's something in my own mind that I cannot read, decipher.
Something's not right - it has just not been right for the past 2 months. Is it just the phase or beginning of one. I really don't want to know anything unpleasant or even remotely painful. I don't want pain anymore. I am scared she will be back again.

Sometimes, I ask myself. Do I really know you well? Or should it be the other way. Do you really understand what I feel? ... what I go through each time, you look away.

There are things I will never bring up. There are things that I will never want to read in me. Yet some more thoughts I will never put to words.
Because I am scared to trust you. It is my own ineptitude, probably. But I still will not.
I know you will go away very soon. I will not hold you back.
Here... let me try helping you go away sooner. If it's painful - for you, for me, for anyone - let it be.
We don't need it anymore.

Goodbye. We can never be friends, no matter how much I lie to convince you...

Love, is it? ah!

Why do things have to come my way, when they have to go away...

Why do I believe they will stay?

However small a wound, doesn't it hurt?

However short the time, doesn't it stay in your memory?

When will I learn , that I cannot trust myself too?

The dung fire fumes are long gone...

There is just a mist that is settling.

And I was wrong yet again.

It doesn't exist.

It really doesn't.

But God willed it this way for me.

Once again, there will be moments when He will make me look up.

Once again, the melody will soothe me dry.

Yet again, I will revel in Highs...

And finally, stop looking any further than I.

Hopefully!

Because this time, I can't trust the 'I'...

It's always been wrong ...

And how long....?

I have to stop it here...

Stop like it never started.

Stop before it hurts me to the tiniest bit of hope that was left...

Because I don't deserve being here?

Yes, that's true.

And how will it be this time...?

This time that you defied yourself...

To say it was here... and it was here to stay?

Are you going to pain within ...

And yet not talk about it... ?

Just silently tease yourself ... Love, is it? ah!

When you have to swallow the lump within you...

And look happy to be the fool.

The Celebrated Joker?

Oh! She cannot be kept down at all...

She is a pro at that you see.

What pains more?

When you Hurt yourself...?

Or, when you Hate yourself?

You are not prepared. Don't lie to yourself...

You will weep like child again...

You will run away from the crowds again...

You will drown your sorrow in those pitchers again...

You will fire the pistols yet again...

Again and Again...

You knew it, didn't you?

Then why?

Not - why did you let yourself in ...

But - why did you have to believe - that'll be never again!

That you'll quit...?

You're cursed to be here

Forever... and this was your final effort!

And effort that you lost to yourself...

Against your own Enemy, your own Friend.

So what's your poison this time???

When you go away...

When you go away...
Don't explain why you are...
I don't need to know.
What I will take away is what we were, and not this Bye.
Suffer with pain - I will, if I have to.
But never will I share my suffering with you.
All that I ever had is indignity whenever I have shared anything.
My Pain , My Disrespect, My Outrage
Is Mine alone...
You never had a right to it.
Now that you are leaving, you never will.
I treat you like you are intelligent.
I wish to be treated the same.
I don't believe in poetry anymore.
Just like I don't believe real love exists.
Everything seems so fleeting in the wake...
The Wake of my Reality.
This had to happen, I knew. It would have, even if I didn't...
So just Go Away...
Vanish without a trace...
The same way that you came.
If I have to live in such Denial, I will.
The Denial is Mine Alone.

It's these times in life, that bring you back to your reality. These few times that present to you themselves, hugely devoted so you can see what it means to look beyond what your past has taught you as against what you really wanted in life.
It shows you the people you wish you had met ages ago and things turned out differently. But they make you smile, almost out of turn , yet so surprisingly infectious is there stay that you wake up in the morning and reach out to the ones who caused these moments.
But the fear never leaves you really.
Small blocks, sometimes self afflicted and created, always stay and loom over you... Those times that you stand out looking at the nascent greens sprawling in the outer world and the breeze that brings back memories of the month you were born, the month of gleeful wetness, the first smell of damp Earth...
The child within you is raring to be let out and to smile at every stranger that God has put on your way; and most of all that one person who just was non-existent a month ago; and still is distant in the strict sense of worldly distances.
But the wounded bigwig, the know-it-all cause I faced-it-all, holds the reigns... Don't go that way she says... it will never give you what you need. But it has already, the infant cries, and I don't want to lose it... ever. Faint in her voice she draws the infant to her bosom...and that's what you've known so far, but the truth is , you know it is never what it seems and never will be. So as long as you want to be merry, play and giggle, I will be here standing, watching out for you. I am the restraint, the Mind who has felt the pain , of distrust, disrespect, of love-less-ness and loneliness. Yet I have wanted to be forever alone because I have you, You - that I love and so strangely protect.
Because I care - I care to preserve this face of me, and let it be , revel within the boundaries of security made by me. It is true , that you the infant cannot be mean, save be vulnerable all the time. But don't ask me to go away- not yet, because the time has not come...

Kite Runner...

A book that has an incredible , infallible impact on the way you see relationships and judge matters of Loyalty...

There is so much that each page has to give to you and so much that it helps you fathom about true values... that you almost fall in love with the machoistic loyalty, the love and willingness to stand above all low things in life...

Amir - the protagonist, the story of his life is the story of love, hatred, cowardice and eventually courage - a struggle to 'come clean '- not situational/ assisted or spontaneously...

Hassan - the root cause of the hero ... the one gift to Amir that God carefully placed, took away and brought back ... so Amir could learn , repent and Rise to courage...

Courage was one thing Amir always lacked... his father the Grand Hero always knew this ... ' A man who cannot stand up... ' But even he could not have done for his well-born son, what his 'other', most neglected yet grateful and loyal son did... Teach him that when we stand for the ones we love, we are ready to sacrifice the most precious of our lives... we receive the Love that is the purest of all emotions...

The most trying phase in Amir's life would have been when Hasan's son slits his wrists and refuses to believe that he can trust Amir... when Amir prays after ages that the one God he has used only for his selfish pursuits save his only hope to redemption ... when he weeps and realises that the only thing he has ever wanted so bad is his best friend son to be his own ...
That makes Hasan - the maker of the Hero... Much more powerful and glorious... yet so simply happy!

There are so many vivid characters in this work of art... Such massive heart-wrenching moments that you turn soft within, yearning to be out there doing something for someone in pain, loneliness and misery.

I sometimes dream of falling in love with the best of the men this book has to hold...

The articulation, intelligence of Amir.

The Loyalty, Chivalry and Innocence of Hasan.

The courage and stamina of Baba - his broad outlook which rubbishes fanaticism, stands with his head held high -any difficulty that God has to offer. Oh so rugged in approach and built... awe-inspiring. The inherent courage and sense of 'Honour' among the Afghans as a race. The affluence he was born with and the legacy of altruism passed on from his forefathers. They way he expresses his pride - his princess - the learned, celebrated Lady of the House, The Unfortunate mother of Amir and her death which drives him to create yet another chapter in his life - Hasan - the virtuous, courageous yet almost 'hidden dark secret' of his life - a wound that wants to heal yet strangely his only respite! The way they exude a sense of pride - their nang and namos. It is such a pity that such royal aspects of the culture have been interpreted in such a groase manner by fanatics and illiterates, the intolerance to the deeply rooted sense of cultural high... Such a pity!

But most of all ... A thousand times over... to have a friend who can say that and mean it too... to have someone love you so much that he 'sooner eat dirt' than hurt you...

Deep in my heart I still relate to Hasan and his pain of not receiving what he gave... yet happy, to move away when he is no longer wanted and rather be thrown away. The pain you feel for this man's son Sohrab when he is left alone amongst strangers - some saying they will care for him and some saying they don't care. His anger and courageous instincts to defend what his father would have guarded as his most precious : Amir- and the way he does it with the slingshot - a eerie replay of his father's courage.

The years Amir spends with his wife - the understanding between them is so deep and enthralling , that it gives you hope to see beyond your own disappointments. The grace and respect he shows her when he hugs her and looks into her eyes... the long nights he confesses to have experienced when he lies in wait for the moment that he will see her again... You're still the chand of my Yelda... Almost makes you sigh...Vividly romantic...!

Must see as a movie and definitely a MUST READ! - for all those hopeless romantics like me... :-)

Zindagi Migzara... Life goes on!

Something I'd like to know...

Hey Mate!
Can I ask you a question...
When you leave something bad behind long ago ;yet you keep coming back in some way or the other... what is it that keeps you doing that?
When you hear words that you have heard before, what is it that makes you feel it is a sign.
When you walk away once and forever, what can make you look back in times of sadness and mirth alike?

Love comes at a cost...

It really does.
You gotta decide how much and how long you should be the one paying.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore.
I don't want to wait always.
I don't want to weep ever again.

I don't like your words.
I don't like your sly smile.
I don't like the way you treat your parents, friends

I don't think you know what you are.
I don't think you know where you're going.
I don't think I'll ever hold your hand to say ' You'll always have me...'

I am simple, tough ,warm hearted and fun loving.
I am decissive and patient.
I am a self believer, strong and subtle yet I don't destroy Life around me.

I want to be free again.
I want to heal completely and fall in love again.
I want Mom to be happy because I am her only Joy!

I hate your indifference.
I hate your petty illiteracy, your conceited sense of evolution.
I hate you...

Bye... Forever.

Many Times...Over!

Can't think of a title now...
I feel this nubile sense of energy and it is so surprising... the cycle has started all over again.
Am back home, torn apart between individuals I love and care for immensely. Some silently wish that I would be back, some confess to feeling vacuum-ated within, some never cared ever, some hurt the living tear glands out of me for years, some cannot accept I am not lucky all the time but nevertheless remain unhurt-always a winner, some have been longing to just run across to my room to see me sleep peacefully with a smile... some will never understand why I did all of this...why I keep turning the cycle of Life and Faith over again, Many Times Over... (now that's going to be the 'title')
I lived alone most of these 5 years through phases that have moulded my life. Sometimes, I wept because I was alone but most of the times because I will not be alone all my life... and that's what I wanted so bad... To be able to Rule my Life, to sit and dream up plans of un-deniably highs - to be able to listen to music from the 4th floor balcony till 4 in the morning and sleep with only the lullying sound of my own breath heavy with the abuse story.

Call me crazy because that's the bloody truth and will always be... :-)

I was never sad... though heart-broken at times. I was never afraid, though the scary shadows reminded me that the night was setting in. And then the sweet high,racy beat of Absolute Power... power to will myself - Can anything ever stop me? Nah...!

God! Is this me, really? On second thoughts, 'always have been this way.

Chakde Fatte!