LOL

.....

There's something that is worrying me, but I can't say what. There's something in my own mind that I cannot read, decipher.
Something's not right - it has just not been right for the past 2 months. Is it just the phase or beginning of one. I really don't want to know anything unpleasant or even remotely painful. I don't want pain anymore. I am scared she will be back again.

Sometimes, I ask myself. Do I really know you well? Or should it be the other way. Do you really understand what I feel? ... what I go through each time, you look away.

There are things I will never bring up. There are things that I will never want to read in me. Yet some more thoughts I will never put to words.
Because I am scared to trust you. It is my own ineptitude, probably. But I still will not.
I know you will go away very soon. I will not hold you back.
Here... let me try helping you go away sooner. If it's painful - for you, for me, for anyone - let it be.
We don't need it anymore.

Goodbye. We can never be friends, no matter how much I lie to convince you...

Love, is it? ah!

Why do things have to come my way, when they have to go away...

Why do I believe they will stay?

However small a wound, doesn't it hurt?

However short the time, doesn't it stay in your memory?

When will I learn , that I cannot trust myself too?

The dung fire fumes are long gone...

There is just a mist that is settling.

And I was wrong yet again.

It doesn't exist.

It really doesn't.

But God willed it this way for me.

Once again, there will be moments when He will make me look up.

Once again, the melody will soothe me dry.

Yet again, I will revel in Highs...

And finally, stop looking any further than I.

Hopefully!

Because this time, I can't trust the 'I'...

It's always been wrong ...

And how long....?

I have to stop it here...

Stop like it never started.

Stop before it hurts me to the tiniest bit of hope that was left...

Because I don't deserve being here?

Yes, that's true.

And how will it be this time...?

This time that you defied yourself...

To say it was here... and it was here to stay?

Are you going to pain within ...

And yet not talk about it... ?

Just silently tease yourself ... Love, is it? ah!

When you have to swallow the lump within you...

And look happy to be the fool.

The Celebrated Joker?

Oh! She cannot be kept down at all...

She is a pro at that you see.

What pains more?

When you Hurt yourself...?

Or, when you Hate yourself?

You are not prepared. Don't lie to yourself...

You will weep like child again...

You will run away from the crowds again...

You will drown your sorrow in those pitchers again...

You will fire the pistols yet again...

Again and Again...

You knew it, didn't you?

Then why?

Not - why did you let yourself in ...

But - why did you have to believe - that'll be never again!

That you'll quit...?

You're cursed to be here

Forever... and this was your final effort!

And effort that you lost to yourself...

Against your own Enemy, your own Friend.

So what's your poison this time???