Nah... That was a lame attempt at slapstick whatever.
But, back - yes and because it was inevitable.
I'd like to go up and shout from the rooftops - "History repeats..."
But what motivates man really? The end objective or the sick kick in plainly doing it.
So why do people force you to stay, when all they feel for you is instinctive, impenetrable, lame hatred. And since you have this penchant to attract controversies and other suitable forms of the same kind. You can imagine.
So... This is about changing again. Changing for good - that doesn't exist; cannot happen. You can always change back.
Or maybe transformation of trash into something useful for some more time... Trash it is, nevertheless. And trash it will be forever.
So here I am - waiting still but yeah - I can see something shaping up!
Bless the Lord and Bombay... whatever.
Monday 29 November 2010
Saturday 6 February 2010
...
Yea yea yea...
Why am I surprised? You win some. You lose most!
When I read Paul Coelho's Alchemist ... I was some 20 'slow city' years into life. He spoke of how the universe conspires to help you win something you want passionately. And to this day, I believe that stands unquestionably strong! ( "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.")
But the point I'd like to make is ... some things are never meant to be. For you. For others. For the whole of humanity..? Nah...
What's more important is that, it brings you closer to something you've been ignoring. The problem is, that people ignore the truth till it becomes a monster and devours all that's left... All that shouldn't exist.
And nothing is left.
Not even anything you can build the same dream, up with.
|| Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan ||
And this something that you face ... is worth the pain and grief.
I feel really grounded now... like the hangover that took weeks to get off my heavy head. But I loved it.
...
Why am I surprised? You win some. You lose most!
When I read Paul Coelho's Alchemist ... I was some 20 'slow city' years into life. He spoke of how the universe conspires to help you win something you want passionately. And to this day, I believe that stands unquestionably strong! ( "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.")
But the point I'd like to make is ... some things are never meant to be. For you. For others. For the whole of humanity..? Nah...
What's more important is that, it brings you closer to something you've been ignoring. The problem is, that people ignore the truth till it becomes a monster and devours all that's left... All that shouldn't exist.
And nothing is left.
Not even anything you can build the same dream, up with.
|| Ab mujhe koi intezaar kahan ||
And this something that you face ... is worth the pain and grief.
I feel really grounded now... like the hangover that took weeks to get off my heavy head. But I loved it.
...
Tuesday 2 February 2010
Lessons people laaarn...
Imagine if you'd be in the 1st standard, just learning how to multiply 3 triple figures... assisted by your older sibling in the 5th who's an ace at math... You'd walk up the next day with correct answers but you'd never really know how he got them that fast.
That's what we do to others and to ourselves..
To others we offer advice... genuine, leading and at times strong.
Upon ourselves we bring greater tortures. Today I realized how stupid we are that we apply lessons from our past relationships to those that we are living right now... The fact is that we are different at different times and people around us change. When you hold on to old habits, values... you screw up this moment.
Trust your instinct... whatever you had to learn and keep... will always be there.
That's what we do to others and to ourselves..
To others we offer advice... genuine, leading and at times strong.
Upon ourselves we bring greater tortures. Today I realized how stupid we are that we apply lessons from our past relationships to those that we are living right now... The fact is that we are different at different times and people around us change. When you hold on to old habits, values... you screw up this moment.
Trust your instinct... whatever you had to learn and keep... will always be there.
Why stay and suffer..? Just change it!
For every nice human on the street, there are 3 dumb heads, 4 crude illiterates and 1 nice,sensible girl.
I am so appalled by the way humanity is being treated. I understand anger more than ever now. I feel it every night when I sit up, purposely waiting for a figment of some thought to hit me and hold me to earth.
I get the feeling so often that I don't want to be here. It is almost like there's something so unfair that is holding me back and I am an idiot in being held.
Patience Patience... Buuuull!!!
People management is based on ethics... and nothing else. You lie, you lose. There are some faff heads that don't come clean, after all that you did working for them. How does it matter to me?
It does for the people I'm leaving behind. I hate to feel helpless. I get the feeling that I am being so selfish. There are these distinctly frustrating times when I almost yell at them... Get out of here. Why stay and suffer, when you know it isn't making any difference to anybody including you?
Why not focus on understanding what you really want from your life? It pays to endure a reality check at least once in a blue moon.
Why do people keep cribbing and not change their situations??? I can understand falling in love tears you if you just can't get over the fact that it was not meant to be... But for anything less emotional, faintly rooted - Just go out and CHANGE it!!! A job, a house, a better friend, a better weather... If you cannot - why kill yourself over it..?
I am so appalled by the way humanity is being treated. I understand anger more than ever now. I feel it every night when I sit up, purposely waiting for a figment of some thought to hit me and hold me to earth.
I get the feeling so often that I don't want to be here. It is almost like there's something so unfair that is holding me back and I am an idiot in being held.
Patience Patience... Buuuull!!!
People management is based on ethics... and nothing else. You lie, you lose. There are some faff heads that don't come clean, after all that you did working for them. How does it matter to me?
It does for the people I'm leaving behind. I hate to feel helpless. I get the feeling that I am being so selfish. There are these distinctly frustrating times when I almost yell at them... Get out of here. Why stay and suffer, when you know it isn't making any difference to anybody including you?
Why not focus on understanding what you really want from your life? It pays to endure a reality check at least once in a blue moon.
Why do people keep cribbing and not change their situations??? I can understand falling in love tears you if you just can't get over the fact that it was not meant to be... But for anything less emotional, faintly rooted - Just go out and CHANGE it!!! A job, a house, a better friend, a better weather... If you cannot - why kill yourself over it..?
Insights...
I know I'm back to blogging. Or is it just a new found bad thing that you cling on to, in the middle of a set of events.
There are some levels of naivety... and you really can't jump across levels. No - maybe another of my capabilities. I don't have the patience. Not that I want to jump the first and get to the end straight. I want things to take their own time. But I just don't have patience to see someone evolve from being a show off, a yes-guy at all times and odds - you can't always say 'yes' ... there has to be a healthy conflict of opinions - that too consistently. You should be able to enjoy patches of silence and indifference together. Well - I am a drifter and I like it this way sometimes.
I have been reading about tarot for a while now... There's this great interactive website that I have been spreading a good word about, because I love what it does for me. I call them insights... into what you're really thinking deep down. How you perceive situations with a little lead. I love what it does to my mind. It splits me into a rationalist and a 'querrent'... You have the question and the answer.
And I have had these terrible 2 weeks where I agree I have been more than momentarily stupid. That is specifically why people like me should not have - free time or nothing to worry about. I have been bringing it upon myself... some constructive moves, some situational fuck ups, and others - I still can't categorize or describe... those that still surprise me.
But I realize some signs in life are subtle. They never give you your answers... they just lead you there. At times, you just can't say no... but you're there and you know your answer would have been - NO... But what the hell - you got yourself stuck right in the center.
When there's a distinct sense of individuality, you know your boundaries and can still cross over seamlessly, quite effortlessly - you have simple magick! And to think that's forbidden, far off or even unattainable saddens you. :( ... It upsets you by greater leaps and stretches to realize it was not all that simple and straight.
Now I don't melt when a guy talks about ice creams. That's right .. That just puts me off totally and forever... its simply the end. But I love an articulate thought frame. It excites me to think that I can talk to someone with the right ideas... and then listen most of the time and enjoy great periods of silence and still communicate seamlessly.
But hey... I still mess it up to unbelievable limits. I still mess it up when I talk my best friend... just perception.
There are some levels of naivety... and you really can't jump across levels. No - maybe another of my capabilities. I don't have the patience. Not that I want to jump the first and get to the end straight. I want things to take their own time. But I just don't have patience to see someone evolve from being a show off, a yes-guy at all times and odds - you can't always say 'yes' ... there has to be a healthy conflict of opinions - that too consistently. You should be able to enjoy patches of silence and indifference together. Well - I am a drifter and I like it this way sometimes.
I have been reading about tarot for a while now... There's this great interactive website that I have been spreading a good word about, because I love what it does for me. I call them insights... into what you're really thinking deep down. How you perceive situations with a little lead. I love what it does to my mind. It splits me into a rationalist and a 'querrent'... You have the question and the answer.
And I have had these terrible 2 weeks where I agree I have been more than momentarily stupid. That is specifically why people like me should not have - free time or nothing to worry about. I have been bringing it upon myself... some constructive moves, some situational fuck ups, and others - I still can't categorize or describe... those that still surprise me.
But I realize some signs in life are subtle. They never give you your answers... they just lead you there. At times, you just can't say no... but you're there and you know your answer would have been - NO... But what the hell - you got yourself stuck right in the center.
When there's a distinct sense of individuality, you know your boundaries and can still cross over seamlessly, quite effortlessly - you have simple magick! And to think that's forbidden, far off or even unattainable saddens you. :( ... It upsets you by greater leaps and stretches to realize it was not all that simple and straight.
Now I don't melt when a guy talks about ice creams. That's right .. That just puts me off totally and forever... its simply the end. But I love an articulate thought frame. It excites me to think that I can talk to someone with the right ideas... and then listen most of the time and enjoy great periods of silence and still communicate seamlessly.
But hey... I still mess it up to unbelievable limits. I still mess it up when I talk my best friend... just perception.
Monday 1 February 2010
I ain't missing anything!
There was this interesting mention of a 'real man' in a random conversation that I carried to work for those silly discussions.
So what is a 'real man' really? I don't know!!! 'Cause I haven't seen any in my generation... hopefully that remains appended with a coy little, hopeful 'so far' ... What the heck?! Lemme just say 'so far'... God isn't that unfair...
So...
It is so heartbreaking to even think that a 'real man' is really skin deep... to realize that a 'real man' is just fuckin' focused on fishing. Maybe even 'condescending' for fuck sake. And he presumes to know what you should be doing every moment of your life???!!! Whoa! So the 28 years that you have lived, experienced and learned from are all imaginary projections of your dirty ego... Hey! like I was all wrong? And I am ... will continue to be wrong and unhappy because I chose to do ... or in this case NOT do something I strongly feel against... more importantly something that is almost as inherent as my need to be loved... And that hurts the 'real man'... he suggests I be tender and less intimidating... oh yea... we know. I never abused you. I say 'Sorry' and 'Thank you' a lil more often than an average brain. And I say 'Sorry if that hurt you... I don't know what did ... but I'm still sorry!!!' - That ... ugggh!
I compliment when there is an opportunity. I smile at people to express warmth. I do not lie. I don't judge. (That's the real man's prerogative). I forgive easily. I am willing to listen... and oh oh oh... I LISTEN - I actually do!
I don't overcrowd when someone doesn't want me to... does that make me 'cold' and 'unresponsive'???
Of course I don't care what people think when I smoke or walk straight... or cut any sleazy asshole's small talk efforts.
...There's such a lack of chivalry in the world I see around me. And I'm not being word -deep... By chivalry I mean not just holding doors and leading a lady by the arm (and not the butt... ok exaggeration!). Chivalry, the way I see it, is like 'grace' in a lady. And just like 'grace' does not mean cowardice, resignation or accepting wrong things ; chivalry doesn't reside in that one thing ONLY... It is in knowing what you are allowed to ask for and what not.
I know I don't trust easily... I know I have that problem. It's not a decision. It is what I have been through. And looks like I wasn't all that wrong after all. *smirk,giggle,giggle,smirk*
And with each passing day, things only reinforce this...
And I remembered what another 'real man' told me some 10 months back. And worse still, he is an ace astrologer... he said I will never meet a man if this cold attitude stays... ha ha... and all that because I said we don't need to get on to a web cam for me to get some better tips in astrology. And up until that moment I remember showering him with enough courtesy and respect... What the fuck???!!! That's my fuckin' wish...
Real men are scary... or are they scared?
The problem is when you really start liking someone... for reasons that are general, warm, social and nice. And that surprises you. (Or maybe, you've been starving for some intelligent company apart from your bro, your good friend and colleagues.) Then you think this will just pass off... but you continue to like him. You find him consistently pleasant, funny, warm, sensible, honest... whoa whoa whoa... but somewhere there is this fear, this doubt. And then you realize, you were wrong... all through. Things haven't changed. They never will. They never do.
And that makes me think ... do I really want to be there, facing all that? The answer is NO.
I really am not missing anything. :)
P.S. : And blogging about this (not a great idea, but what the heck!) - just because I am really upset - not with anyone in particular. You can't blame people for what they are or chose to be. I am not going that way, at all. Not my business - no way.
I hate being here and feeling this way. It's just so depressing to see what reality is. My world is so much more peaceful and safe :P
I just needed to get it out of my system. And I think I'm better now or will be soon... I mean ... you know. It's just a passing phase... reaction and stuff.
And a person like me should just be ignored... just looking through me is the best favor you can do to me.
I am sure this post will be taken off 2 days from now... and that's practically because I would rather die than have anyone read this. haha...
So what is a 'real man' really? I don't know!!! 'Cause I haven't seen any in my generation... hopefully that remains appended with a coy little, hopeful 'so far' ... What the heck?! Lemme just say 'so far'... God isn't that unfair...
So...
It is so heartbreaking to even think that a 'real man' is really skin deep... to realize that a 'real man' is just fuckin' focused on fishing. Maybe even 'condescending' for fuck sake. And he presumes to know what you should be doing every moment of your life???!!! Whoa! So the 28 years that you have lived, experienced and learned from are all imaginary projections of your dirty ego... Hey! like I was all wrong? And I am ... will continue to be wrong and unhappy because I chose to do ... or in this case NOT do something I strongly feel against... more importantly something that is almost as inherent as my need to be loved... And that hurts the 'real man'... he suggests I be tender and less intimidating... oh yea... we know. I never abused you. I say 'Sorry' and 'Thank you' a lil more often than an average brain. And I say 'Sorry if that hurt you... I don't know what did ... but I'm still sorry!!!' - That ... ugggh!
I compliment when there is an opportunity. I smile at people to express warmth. I do not lie. I don't judge. (That's the real man's prerogative). I forgive easily. I am willing to listen... and oh oh oh... I LISTEN - I actually do!
I don't overcrowd when someone doesn't want me to... does that make me 'cold' and 'unresponsive'???
Of course I don't care what people think when I smoke or walk straight... or cut any sleazy asshole's small talk efforts.
...There's such a lack of chivalry in the world I see around me. And I'm not being word -deep... By chivalry I mean not just holding doors and leading a lady by the arm (and not the butt... ok exaggeration!). Chivalry, the way I see it, is like 'grace' in a lady. And just like 'grace' does not mean cowardice, resignation or accepting wrong things ; chivalry doesn't reside in that one thing ONLY... It is in knowing what you are allowed to ask for and what not.
I know I don't trust easily... I know I have that problem. It's not a decision. It is what I have been through. And looks like I wasn't all that wrong after all. *smirk,giggle,giggle,smirk*
And with each passing day, things only reinforce this...
And I remembered what another 'real man' told me some 10 months back. And worse still, he is an ace astrologer... he said I will never meet a man if this cold attitude stays... ha ha... and all that because I said we don't need to get on to a web cam for me to get some better tips in astrology. And up until that moment I remember showering him with enough courtesy and respect... What the fuck???!!! That's my fuckin' wish...
Real men are scary... or are they scared?
The problem is when you really start liking someone... for reasons that are general, warm, social and nice. And that surprises you. (Or maybe, you've been starving for some intelligent company apart from your bro, your good friend and colleagues.) Then you think this will just pass off... but you continue to like him. You find him consistently pleasant, funny, warm, sensible, honest... whoa whoa whoa... but somewhere there is this fear, this doubt. And then you realize, you were wrong... all through. Things haven't changed. They never will. They never do.
And that makes me think ... do I really want to be there, facing all that? The answer is NO.
I really am not missing anything. :)
P.S. : And blogging about this (not a great idea, but what the heck!) - just because I am really upset - not with anyone in particular. You can't blame people for what they are or chose to be. I am not going that way, at all. Not my business - no way.
I hate being here and feeling this way. It's just so depressing to see what reality is. My world is so much more peaceful and safe :P
I just needed to get it out of my system. And I think I'm better now or will be soon... I mean ... you know. It's just a passing phase... reaction and stuff.
And a person like me should just be ignored... just looking through me is the best favor you can do to me.
I am sure this post will be taken off 2 days from now... and that's practically because I would rather die than have anyone read this. haha...
Saturday 30 January 2010
Forgiving is not difficult
... And that's not because I'm in some new kind of love or whatever. No kidding.
Just that - at times peace making feels better than making love. In most cases, you detest the 2nd. People are still people, nevertheless. Whatever that is supposed to make you think!
We all want something, expect something from whoever we meet in this lifetime. Some people expect not be disturbed and the others seek to change them. Friends and enemies alike ( PD - I know you're in your grave in DC - LOL!)
The funny thing is - they always meet. (Why, Why, Why?!!!)
There are some more assholes that just are cynical and sarcastically condescending. Folks who think they see whatever they need to know; that all around them have been fucking with their brains for decades... Pathetic.
When you lie... there should be a character to the misstatement, not just punctuations.
Better luck next time...
Just that - at times peace making feels better than making love. In most cases, you detest the 2nd. People are still people, nevertheless. Whatever that is supposed to make you think!
We all want something, expect something from whoever we meet in this lifetime. Some people expect not be disturbed and the others seek to change them. Friends and enemies alike ( PD - I know you're in your grave in DC - LOL!)
The funny thing is - they always meet. (Why, Why, Why?!!!)
There are some more assholes that just are cynical and sarcastically condescending. Folks who think they see whatever they need to know; that all around them have been fucking with their brains for decades... Pathetic.
When you lie... there should be a character to the misstatement, not just punctuations.
Better luck next time...
Friday 29 January 2010
Bowled again!
I seem to keep saying this pretty much 'quite often' these days...
Life's weird. At times, it just takes a moment - a mere, sperm-head of a moment - to realize what went wrong with you some 7 years back..!
(It scares the shit of you, man!!!)
To think how many people could have had a glimpse into the most personal, core stuff in your life...
It could kill, and trust me that's an understatement. So many events that are absolutely unrelated, and are rooted in such different circumstances and separated by geography!!! All these little things just seem to converge, touch point ... at a time in your life when you aren't all that ready... they just explode at the final moment... Just like the storm that hit the quite-for-long village. May not be peaceful, though ...
The fact that you're meant to be there... the fact that you WERE bloody, fucking there! Thaaaat izzz... phew!
You hold a very large piece of the puzzle may be... May be the answer's meant only for you... but who knows... (and who fuckin' cares)
I know I shouldn't fuel this long enough to let a tine flicker burn it all up ... *chuckle chuckle* - And hey this is NOT being cynical - this is being humorous each time God plays this funny trick on you .. and really I can hear him laugh 'through' me... ;)
Life's weird. At times, it just takes a moment - a mere, sperm-head of a moment - to realize what went wrong with you some 7 years back..!
(It scares the shit of you, man!!!)
To think how many people could have had a glimpse into the most personal, core stuff in your life...
It could kill, and trust me that's an understatement. So many events that are absolutely unrelated, and are rooted in such different circumstances and separated by geography!!! All these little things just seem to converge, touch point ... at a time in your life when you aren't all that ready... they just explode at the final moment... Just like the storm that hit the quite-for-long village. May not be peaceful, though ...
The fact that you're meant to be there... the fact that you WERE bloody, fucking there! Thaaaat izzz... phew!
You hold a very large piece of the puzzle may be... May be the answer's meant only for you... but who knows... (and who fuckin' cares)
I know I shouldn't fuel this long enough to let a tine flicker burn it all up ... *chuckle chuckle* - And hey this is NOT being cynical - this is being humorous each time God plays this funny trick on you .. and really I can hear him laugh 'through' me... ;)
Monday 25 January 2010
Why am I a drifter?
So what happened to all those thoughts and words.
Nothing that you can define. Mumblings at the end of the day?
:)
Well! There isn't any bad blood anymore - that's one thing for sure. And yes, I have proved that when you're over something, nothing that relates to that shit can ever affect you!
And I jump, asking the 12 year old 'me'... Can you teach me about the simpler things in life... errr... I seemed to have forgotten them. Or is it just me ... or you... or both?
And the simple highs of first times... :P ... '28 doesn't seem that difficult at all! ' - pat comes the reply.
SChooopihd!!! - 'Huh! Oh yeah! Well - **** you too! I know your secrets but you couldn't even imagine mine!' :D Point 1 for the older me.
I imagined 28 would be a lot more serious. A lote more grounded in the sense you would have by then made up your mind about a lot of things and you would always know the best. Like my mom. Like my dad and most of his people. (Mom's side - You still make me proud with your naivety!)
I imagined 28 would be loveless. I wouldn't feel anything. But it is indeed - quite contrary!
I imagined I would have these close encounters with the most evolved and most intelligent - To think of what happened in reality.
I don't fuss at all.
I don't feel depressed.
I don't feel lonely - haha... over crowded at times, but never lonely.
Like right now - I am drunk on 3 shots of rum and couple o' beers. My good friend from Bombay is explaining what her curriculum @ her MBA course with a sterling institute. And I come back some 10% of the times - ask her well thought of questions and drift away while she answers. I am happy for her. She doesn't need that much attention.
Why am I a drifter?
Nothing that you can define. Mumblings at the end of the day?
:)
Well! There isn't any bad blood anymore - that's one thing for sure. And yes, I have proved that when you're over something, nothing that relates to that shit can ever affect you!
And I jump, asking the 12 year old 'me'... Can you teach me about the simpler things in life... errr... I seemed to have forgotten them. Or is it just me ... or you... or both?
And the simple highs of first times... :P ... '28 doesn't seem that difficult at all! ' - pat comes the reply.
SChooopihd!!! - 'Huh! Oh yeah! Well - **** you too! I know your secrets but you couldn't even imagine mine!' :D Point 1 for the older me.
I imagined 28 would be a lot more serious. A lote more grounded in the sense you would have by then made up your mind about a lot of things and you would always know the best. Like my mom. Like my dad and most of his people. (Mom's side - You still make me proud with your naivety!)
I imagined 28 would be loveless. I wouldn't feel anything. But it is indeed - quite contrary!
I imagined I would have these close encounters with the most evolved and most intelligent - To think of what happened in reality.
I don't fuss at all.
I don't feel depressed.
I don't feel lonely - haha... over crowded at times, but never lonely.
Like right now - I am drunk on 3 shots of rum and couple o' beers. My good friend from Bombay is explaining what her curriculum @ her MBA course with a sterling institute. And I come back some 10% of the times - ask her well thought of questions and drift away while she answers. I am happy for her. She doesn't need that much attention.
Why am I a drifter?
Saturday 16 January 2010
...
There are these times that things seem quite fuzzy.
...Quite beyond what we know as normal. Signs that are beyond you and me. Signs that are compelling enough. Can a city really be that small? I really wonder at times... why would someone keep emerging... someone that you find quite naturally nice, but normal.
If God wanted to tell you something... and considering you have faith 'enough' ... why wouldn't he just use your language of communication? I mean... Isn't he supposed to be 'God' ... The God..?
There's this sinking feeling in the midst of something as up-heaving as love... as simple as something you don't feel... never thought you would but can see happening. Now, why would you refuse this amazing, ethereal, mind blowing experience... that's probably because you f***in' hate being tongue tied. You don't need 3 months to realize that you're in love...
...Quite beyond what we know as normal. Signs that are beyond you and me. Signs that are compelling enough. Can a city really be that small? I really wonder at times... why would someone keep emerging... someone that you find quite naturally nice, but normal.
If God wanted to tell you something... and considering you have faith 'enough' ... why wouldn't he just use your language of communication? I mean... Isn't he supposed to be 'God' ... The God..?
There's this sinking feeling in the midst of something as up-heaving as love... as simple as something you don't feel... never thought you would but can see happening. Now, why would you refuse this amazing, ethereal, mind blowing experience... that's probably because you f***in' hate being tongue tied. You don't need 3 months to realize that you're in love...
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